Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Love and Fate~

Do you ever have bad love karma? I sure seem to lately. But with some much needed recruitment of help, i think things are working out.

Stop. Rewind. Start from the beginning.

I met someone i really started to like. He had all the qualities that i found attractive in a guy. So i started to like the kid. A lot. We laughed at each other, teased each other relentlessly, we just seemed to have chemistry. I saw him at work, I thought about the good qualities he had, and I told him all the things i loved to do.

It all started with a simple thing. He asked me how my golfing was coming along. I said it sucked because i didnt have anyone to go with me. He volunteered to go with me. Thats when i first started to notice he might be into me. Then came the flirty messages, the making his day, and i started to get impatient.

Then things at work started to get complicated. Rumors were flying. I became insecure, I asked him about dating other girls. He wasnt happy with me. So things were tense for a few days....

I finally got pissed off and let it go. It seemed like Fate was laughing in my face. Every single time i meet someone, amazingly enough I keep getting closer and closer to meeting the guy that i want. The guy is closer and closer with more and more endearing characteristics that i really like and care about. However, with that, i wait for a ticking time bomb. Something that blows up and then never brings the guy back. He either goes running scared, or he goes because hes an idiot.

This weekend was tough, I honestly thought the kid didnt like me anymore. i sent him a message and he sent me one back telling me that i reminded him of a needy ex, basically labeling me and identifying me with an ex, when all i was trying to do, was get to the bottom of rumors that had been going on at work. When i read it, I let it go. I didnt know what else to do. I decided to move on and let him come to me when he was ready.

Last night i was writing my entry about Fate. How Fate was laughing in my face. How my college Math professor grabbed my left hand and asked me if i was married yet. When i said no, she said "Ah well your still cute, you have nothing to worry about." Ouch. "Thanks, I said. Ive been really busy with school." Next, my coworker wanted me to date her law student son. Um Ok. I can get guys by myself. I dont need mothers setting me up. And third. A customer at work saying i look like the "marrying" type. Ok well, thanks for stereotyping me buddy. Then the last thing. My best friend called me and said she was getting married in Feb. and I am to assume bridesmaid responsiblities. Eeek. By the end of the night, I was ready to scream.

Then it happened. He called. He apologized for everything. We talked for three hours. We both couldnt sleep. We talked and laughed and he teased me and we were playful and had a great time.I didnt go to bed until 330 that morning. We agreed to get to know each other and if it happened, it happened. I agreed. It was nice to lose the drama and just talk to him. I was half an hour late for work today. Fate was playing a trick on me i think. It taught me a valuable lesson. Have faith in Fate.

Thanks Fate. I think I will.

Love, S.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Far Ends and New Beginnings~

The end of another academic year is approaching so fast. I thought id be ready for it, and then again i look at it, and realize how much ive grown. I thought that i would be falling on my face this first semester. I didn't. I found wonderful new friends, a great support system, and a great education. ;) One of my friends made me an awesome cd out of the blue with lots of songs that he says reminds him of me. Awwwww. I heart you Derick. Thank you.

This week has been kind of blah so far. Lots of things to do and when your feeling slightly "under the weather" you just cant seem to get done everything you want to get done. Ive been trying to get rid of this sore throat for a couple of days now.

I cooked for seven last night and watched Sleepless in Seattle. One of the best movies ever. Love it. It was nice to get to do something for myself this week. I havent been able to spend as much time at the coffee shop as i wanted to, but i have a feeling that i will be able to do more as things are winding down. I have a practical tomorrow for Biology that i have to study for and a Grammar final on Thursday and then a Math final next Thursday and then i should be completely done with the U for a couple of months. Then comes the moving home part.

I hear of all these summer plans and things they are doing and im planning to try to get some traveling done. I want to go to New York, spend some time in Wisconsin with my best friend helping her in the theater, and attending a few shows, i want to just find the peace and completeness that makes me feel whole again. Washington DC is also in the mix for a week or so. Even if i dont spend a lot of time there, I will road trip out there for a bit just to see the Holocaust Museum. Ive been wanting to see that for such a LONG time.

I never considered myself a loner, but as of now, Im actually ok with it. If i have someone in my life, awesome, but if i don't, Im really ok with that right now. I just want to spend some time getting to know myself and pushing myself with no self limitations.

Work will be changing for me. I will be working with Elisha on more group/author projects and PR things and gaining more experience in my field so i can go and work towards my goals. ;) Im really excited to be able to get to work with her in a different venue of Barnes and Noble. I will also be making my transistion out of the cafe and more on to the book floor where i can be more useful. I worked in the cafe for a year. I loved my job and the girls there, but i just felt like it was my time to move on from that place. Im certainly earning my place on the bookfloor and think i will do an awesome job for a long time to come at that place. I love that company.

Im sleeping better than i have been. Last night i actually went to bed at 1030 and woke up ready for my day at eight. I had a few messages in between that i didn't catch, but for the most part, it felt GREAT to sleep. Ive been averaging about four hours a night so im going to try to make a full night's sleep a habit. ;)

There are also some major changes on the rise with my relationships with people. Ive learned to cut the shit from the people who "fake it" and love the ones who are genuine in heart, warm in spirit, and ready to rock. I'll be spending part of my summer with these guys. All right. Time to get ready for that Grammar final review!

Love~ S.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Blargh~

Thats how i feel today. Blargh. I worked with Shelly this weekend who happened to have strep throat, and i have a touch of sore throat and a headache today. Not enough to feel really bad. But just enough to be a pain in the butt. I felt like crap all day. Excessively tired. I hate that total shit feeling....... Argh..... Rest tonight, better tomorrow.

Friday, April 21, 2006

More Self Realization~

Yesterday was a reminder of all the amazing people i have in my life.

I took some advice from an old friend and started doing the things i love again (Thanks Jim, your the best!) and finally started to feel the confidence again.

I hung out at the coffeeshop, drank my iced almond soy, typed everything down, and listened to little conversations, thought about the next piece i wanted to paint, wrote some ideas down, planned my budget for next year, and did some homework. I even gave some thought to my LSAT and my GRE exams. Honestly, it was the most peaceful ive ever felt in a long time.

No relationship rollercoasters, no tears, no nothing, just the simple pleasure of looking forward to the rest of the day, doing things that i love, and in turn wanting to do the things i have to do. Not feeling restless. I talked to the coffeeshop guys there for about two hours just about what they were up to...(and argued about Starbucks' place in capitalism) made me reiterate to myself that there was nothing wrong with me, i should of never questioned myself in the first place.

Then i remembered something. This is the way its suppose to feel. All the time. Relationship or not. Totally peaceful, totally centered.

Later that night, it just became this awesome night of reconnecting with friends. I hadnt seen Mark in a long time, we finally spent a couple of hours chatting, Kyle and I and Diana spent time together watching "Full Metal Jacket" (great movie) and another great friend called me at midnight just to talk because he needed to. Turns out we are at the same stage in our lives. There are even more people who took the time to say hey or leave me a message that really brightened my day. Thank you guys, it meant more than you know. I must of sent out a vibe or something.

It felt so good just to be needed and loved by my friends, and the shit of it is that its been there the entire time, and for some reason, i haven't paid attention. I need to start listening more carefully.

Because of all these wonderful things, I'm now planning for a real future. A future on my terms, a future not dictated by how much love i give and expect in return, not tallied by points on a scoreboard. But if i had learned anything from three years of negative experience, its to trust myself. Every time i had a bad feeling, i was right on. Its like I compromised my self awareness. I know better than that. No more.

There are a million good things coming my way. Im moving into a new house, I have made some incredible new friends. ( Anna, you absolutely rock!) Im working this summer for two really amazing companies, Im planning to travel this summer to New York, DC, and Wisconsin (just for a few weeks) and i have finally found the right support system of family and friends. Im so grateful for everything i have.

Then again this could just be a massive brain illusion given ive had about four hours of sleep a night this week....... *Yawn* Three more weeks and then im coming HOME!

Im posting the lyrics to the song, because they just fit me right now. Its on my myspace account if you want to take a listen.

Love S~

Disco- Howie Day

Every night is disco night
With you I'm living every moment for you
Seeing things in a different way
Of my god I'm thankful that you're leaving
Is there something we can do,
this afternoon
Is there nothing left to say
Oh your love, cautions you
You are something new
Afternoon

I'll make it up to you somehow
I'm laughing and you're dancing like my mother
I'll teach you to go off on me
Shake, shake from the horror
Mirror naked feeling hot
Your radio is not store bought but stolen
Another night is going out
It's Saturday and now you've got the fever
Is there something we can do,
this afternoon
Is there nothing left to say
Oh your love, cautions you
You are something new
Afternoon
Is there something we can do,
this afternoon
Is there nothing left to say
Oh your love, warning you
And you are so beautiful
You'll just have to do
Is there nothing left to say

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Life more Beautiful~

I don't even know where to begin. I guess i wanted write an entry to preserve the memories i love. The things i love to do. The things i love to see, and cherish and the very things i hold dear as a part of myself. What i consider to be home, where my heart is at this time, and where i want to go from here.

There are certain things i miss for sure. I miss the outdoor theatre in Spring Green, Wisconsin. I miss painting. I miss photography. I miss playing my guitar. I miss traveling on my own to places just to soul search. But perhaps what ive been struggling with most, is finding peace inside of my heart. Ive been waiting for a really good relationship to come my way. I know its out there. I know that the right person is out there. I just have to take my time. I just have to do what i love, and love will find me right?

So says the Wise words from a best friend.

I've been talking to a few of my friends about it. All of them looking at me with strange looks and telling me that i will find it. But honestly the reason why i have doubt, is because i entered a serious relationship too early. I wasn't ready. I lost what i loved to do on my own. I lost myself. I forgot how to experience simple joy in my life. I clouded it with feelings of rejection and pain, sleeping in, depression, not working out, anti social tendencies.....all that crap. I honestly feel like im losing that to a brighter and more positive perspective.

So now its time. Its past time to fall back in love with myself. Its time to do all those things that ive ever wanted to do. Not being in a relationship is foreign to me. I use to bounce back quickly from relationships. Funny i treat it as a part of being old, but this time was harder. This time had more emotional investment, and this time, I trusted what shouldn't of been trusted. Am i gunshy? Sure. But where i didn't have hope before, I am now starting to see the light.

"Beautiful"
The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road

Cause over the mountain
I see the bright sun shinning
And I want to live inside the glow
YeahI wanna go to place
where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place time as no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these wall are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

~ India Arie

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Random Updating~

Sarah- March 22nd 2006
Things suck right now. Tests galore. Hence why i haven't updated.
Its getting closer to when my appeal for my dorm will be decided, im anxious to find out. Argh.
The boy front has been a difficult road, but maybe im ready to try that relationship thing again. Maybe. Things are healing. Im learning and growing.
Im going to see a presentation of a Holocaust survivor tomorrow. I always get lost in the stories. Im fascinated with that time period.
I cant wait for Spring. Monday we got a whopping 7 inches of snow to go with the 2 we already had. I guess we are lucky. The towns West of us got close to 20.
Im suddenly developing a new fascination with Jack Johnson and have burned all four of his cds. Its all about the mellow.
I really want an I-Pod.
I ordered my new bedspread from WalMart for my new room.
I for once finished my taxes early and have my Financial Aid all done for next year.
Im working at Barnes and Noble this summer back home. Because i got a raise. A damn well deserved one as well.
Im also obsessed with Nick at Nite. Good stuff.
I smell like Ralph Lauren Style.
And yes, sometimes, I still hate my body. I have a doctor appointment on Friday. Hes going to assess my diet and exercise plan and give me a calorie intake to follow. Argh. More stress.
I love absolutely freaking love burning oil. Makes everything smell so good. Makes peaceful surroundings. Jack Johnson and oil equal a damn good relaxing night. ;)
Hope all of you are doing well.
Love~ Sarah

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Love Thyself~

Sarah- March 2006

Daily Horoscope for 3/15/06-
Sarah, Adding conscious compassion to your highly critical perception can make you much more pleasant today. Typically, it's so easy for you to see flaws in others and even more so in yourself. Noticing where you can make improvements is most helpful if you are gentle in your delivery. Remember that imperfections are indications of where you have room for growth.
Argh. Once again hitting it on the head. I was feeling really self conscious yesterday. Demonstrated in this photo, i feel like my face resembles that of the Good Year blimp. However... the hope in that, is knowing that this is the way i feel TODAY, and not permanently.
It reinspires me to get back on track.
In the three months that I've been trying to lose weight, Ive gone down almost two sizes. ALMOST. Since the summer, (when i was at my highest weight, I've gone down almost three sizes. Im gettting close to my FIRST goal. Im pretty excited about it.
The other benefit is that im going to see a doctor about my nutrition and to make sure im losing the weight properly. My cardio has been in a gradual upward motion going from 30 minutes in the beginning and now im up to 50. Im hoping to move it up to 60 minutes and work up to five days a week. Right now, im currently at 50 minutes four days a week. Im getting closer. I'll get there. Im sure of it.
The diet is the hardest part for me. Seriously. Being in college sucks for being on a diet. Especially when your constantly on the go with studying, working, appointments etc. Yogurt is proving to be my best friend. Rotisserie chicken, salad, and fruit are also proving to be good.
Im going to reach my goals. One of the rewards for me getting thinner is to wear a formal dress. Ive never worn one. I want to know what it feels like to be gorgeous in a gown. I want a night on the town. I want to meet this goal by August.... (my birthday)
Oh yeah. The point of this post. Ok. Sometimes im not so bad in the way i look. Repeat to self. Imperfections are room for growth. Sometimes im Cute. Sometimes im "blimpy". But no matter what, im cool. That is what matters.
Ill keep you posted with photos of course....... hope you all are having a good day!
Love- Sarah